Life as a schizophrenic is interesting, to say the least. As long as I take my meds, I am fine. It’s when for some reason or the other, I run out; things begin to get interesting. This most recent time, I think I moved, and they were misplaced; I ran out, and Viola! Schizo-attack!!
First; paranoia on a scale with a nine-day run on meth. Everything begins to close in; the voices start getting angry, and the faces I see in everything begin to move, their mouths moving in a silent chorus. My apartment is all windows with breath-taking views, but that means they can see in! The faces start mouthing the silent screams of the damned. The pressure in my ears builds until it feels as if my mind will just explode, sending out the tortured pieces of myself into the Universe!
I have to walk! Walking saves me; I must face my fears. And of course, it is a dark, rainy night. I can feel the darkness closing in; the voices chewing through the black night with great wet, smacking, tearing bites; the darkness pushes a huge gust of air in front of it. It pushes me along faster and faster. I am just one step ahead! The pressure in my head builds to a cacophony Then! Nothing… The blackness envelops me, and I am carried along in its arms.
I am no longer of this world. I am taken to a large dome-shaped caved which is lit by this beautiful blue-white light. All of the prophets are sitting in a loose semi-circle around me. The blue-white light is emanating from the souls of the prophets, and myself in soul form am radiating the same light. I am welcomed with open arms, and I am one with the Universe. I know that I am welcomed to stay, but I still have work to do on Earth. I mill among them, rubbing shoulders with The Buddha and Jesus, absorbing all of the wisdom and love I can.
I have to wonder at times like these; just who is the crazy person here. Me, for experiencing these beautiful, perfect moments like these; events where I connect with the Universe and am One or the poor doctors who are mostly miserable from listening to other people’s woes all day long. I am free and happy, and they are most definitely tied to this world through suffering.
It is suffering that has set me free! All of those years I suffered from the injuries to my perfect spine and beautiful mind. All of those long lonely hours I lay awake in number 10 pain until I finally had to go elsewhere. It taught me to meditate deeply and leave my body. And so in a way my suffering is a blessing because now I can do it anytime I please, and as this world proceeds to get more insane every day, I do it a lot. I explore inner/outer space. I say inner/outer because, first, you must go inside and face your pain, your fears, and your demons. Having done this, you are free to travel through space and time, in your mind. And as thoughts are real, measurable things, electromagnetic waves?
Thoughts are real, so the Buddha and Jesus knew what they were talking about when they said to be mindful of your thoughts and speech.
In today’s society, people do not take the time to heal, and so we have billions of damaged people running around re-acting to things instead of taking the time to think things through and act. And this just causes more damage, so we have this nasty, downward spiral; until people just break-down under this load of self-imposed stress. You see it happen every day, people just snap and start turning to drugs to cure the problem, but the drugs treat the symptoms and don’t get down to the real reason; Trauma. Rape, car-crashes, robbery, physical and mental abuse are all forms of trauma, and they happen every second of every day in every place on this planet.
In the West, we just drug everyone up, so they feel nothing, and send them on their way. The walking wounded striving to make the almighty dollar. It is a sick way to live. Not saying all drugs are bad, because they are not. I take my psych meds, and I can focus my thoughts enough to write a novel or several. I mean it changed my life for the better. I walked around for thirty-five years in a schizophrenic haze, and while I functioned, it was just not very well. I kept crashing and burning but since I have been through intensive therapy and on the proper medication I function a hell of a lot better! I can honestly say that combined with my spiritual work and my physical working out; I am now in balance, and it is true as though I have received a second chance and I intend to make the most of it.
It was not easy by any means, but during a six-month period I asked for and received help from the VA, was put on antipsychotics, and was able to focus my thoughts well enough to finish a novel that I started in the middle of a Schizophrenic break. I applied for and received my pension from the VA; I spent four months in a homeless shelter and finally received enough pain medication at a methadone clinic; I put away my crutches and haven’t used them since. I no longer have suicidal ideations, and I became a new man. I am considered 100% disabled from my schizophrenia, but I can still create. I think it is because of my mental illness that I can create as well as I do. I am blessed in so many ways that it is difficult to list them all.
My first published book has received good reviews from most people who have taken the time to read it. I just need to get it in front of the right people. I am a published Novelist, and it feels good. I am still able to love unconditionally, and I do. And I now can love and not expect to be loved in return. This was a giant step for me, being able to love all I want and not to have any expectations. I can take things as they are and trust in the Universe to make things right. I can just reach out and find the Joy C. S. Lewis wrote about; pure unadulterated joy!
My Two Cents 